Pre-Digested Politics

Posted on: 19/03/2009

By Jack Dunford

At parties, it’s always best not to talk about politics. Partly because those who have views on this subject really have views about it. “Oh X? How can you believe X! Y is correct. God you’re an idiot”. So with a sceptical view, let’s look at some of the many ideas available…

Communist: Unrealistic idea where everyone is treated equal and live of a shared wealth. Sounds good, but what’s not taken into the account is that it’s run by humans. And humans make mistakes. Why do most Communist states have restrictions designed to stop people leaving? Read Animal Farm…

Socialist: Government runs some bits, but you control your own stuff. Good idea, but Capitalist greed isn’t going to let it be.

Liberal: Pussy footing, on the fence people who can’t decide which way to lean. You can’t really be exactly in the middle, so make a choice. Politically bi-curious.

Fascist: Someone who wants it’s only their way. Yes. Great idea. Because you’ve got the whole world worked out. Most fascist systems don’t work well.

Totalitarian: System where the state controls EVERYTHING! Every tiny little detail belongs to the party. Variety is the spice of life.

Marxism: Sharing idea created by a drunk. Don’t believe me? Marx was a known drunk who was also a petty vandal. If Marx was around today, he’d be in AA.

Conservative: Unhappy with change. “It wasn’t like this when I was a kid”, that’s because we’ve made improvement.

Capitalist: The best of the economic systems, due to it working. It’s ugly, and greedy, but it works.

Anarchist: At the dinner party of politics, the anarchist is the guy eating alone. “We don’t need governments, they just suppress us”.

Nazi: Overused term for a right-wing individual which takes away from the atrocities caused in WW2 Germany.

New World Order: Conspiracy theory created by the collective mind of paranoids. Notice how most people who believe in this don’t have their lives together. Coincidence? I think not.


8 Responses to "Pre-Digested Politics"

Hmm, your explanations of Socialism, Communism and Marxism are bizzare. For a start why have you split all three? Socialism and Communism are the stages that i identified, Communism being the final stage after a transitional period of Socialism, admittedly Socialism can be an ideology on its own. Marxism on the other hand is my Philosophy that explains how capitalism benefits the ruling class while supressing the proletariat and how this will eventually lead to a workers revolution.

“Capitalist: The best of the economic systems, due to it working. It’s ugly, and greedy, but it works.”

I wouldn’t say so my friend, the current economic crisis is kind of proving rapidly that capitalism does not work. Go ask one of the thousands of people that have lost their jobs over the past months if they think the current system works.

Surely Communism and Totalitarianism are the same thing? The state controls and regulates how people live in a communist society so surely that is totalitarianism?

Thank you, and when did glaringly incorrect and biased material become suitable for a college online magazine? Trying to break-down people’s political beliefs into supposedly witty phrases just shows your complete ignorance and insensitivity to the world around you. Making a joke out of this lack of knowledge and trying to include others in your idiocy doesn’t make you sound funny at all, if thats what your going for. No you don’t have to understand politics to be intelligent, and you don’t have to know enough to talk about them at a dinner party, but giving people jokey tasters of what you think they are actually display YOUR political leaning. For instance portraying being liberal as “pussy footing”, fascism as something that “doesn’t work very well” (when has fascism ever worked well?) and capitalism as the “best of the economic system” in light of such recent events just shows you to be far more right-wing than you probably even realised. Though I guess if you don’t understand any of it you can hardly label yourself can you.

Dear Outraged,
I’m going to keep this short. Blog about it. I’m sure you’ll find someone outraged as you.
The (“witty”) Author

Tell me witty author, how many people have commented that this article is funny or relevent or even accurate?

Here’s a writing tip, no wait, here’s a tip for life in general; if only you find it funny that means its not funny. Why dont you try writing about something you understand, or about current events like every other student who contributes does. Dont just write a pointless article with regurgitated satire that doesnt make sense.

Also if you get such passionate chriticism dont respond as you have done, with a flipant, unrelted, unfunny comment. And dont compliment yourself in a “witty” retort, even if its said ironically.

We already have a Charlie Brooker, we dont need a poor imitation.

I don’t see how this article is helping people to understand anything.

I agree with A bit Outraged, there are enough blogs and zines filled with satirical articles such as this. If you truly wanted to stand out as a blogger, derivative brookerite posts ain’t gonna cut it. You need to develop a unique style.

Its not meant to be that important. If people want to find out about politics I am sure The Buzz wont be the first port of call for real understanding.

i sorta liked it…. thought bits were funny

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