Halo ODST: review

Posted on: 23/10/2009

By Oli Gokgol

Game : Halo  ODST
Manufacturer : Bungie
RRP £39.99 (you can get it for £28.75 at Amazon)
Rating: *

“Halo ODST” is all I hear as I enter a chat room on Xbox live, and to be honest, it makes me quite sick. I admit the first three Halo games were pretty good, but I didn’t lock myself in my room with a picture of Master Chief and some hand cream because of them. Yet, something about this new game made me think otherwise. So, sad as I am I finally went to find out why so many American kids replace Keira Knightly for Master Chief.

So to start, I went to do my research. The game consists of a normal soldier doing normal soldiery stuff in the normal soldiery world. Not very Master Chief-esc, whom made Arnold Schwarzenegger look like Chinese schoolgirl after business men have finished work (yes I went there). Strangely enough they give you better weapons than Master Chief which makes you think that they had to downgrade him otherwise he’d turn into some sort of Godlike Zombie Hitler. Also they introduced a new mode called firefight…………………. *snore*. Sorry. Anyhow, firefight is a Gears of War, Hoard rip off, where you fight waves after waves of samey monsters until you lungs fill up with so much enemy blood that you die from a blood clot and end up having to do the same thing again and again until you realise you should have gone to work three weeks ago. However I still went and bought the game. 

Halo 3 ODST

Halo 3 ODST

The first thing I found when I bought the game was that they were including all the multiplayer maps for the previous Halo. Sure it’s a great idea, but not if you have already spent £30 buying the maps and then some commoner nicks them for a fraction of a price, plus they get an additional game *angry face*!!!! So not going great for starters. When I finally pulled out of my un-repenting rage I tried playing the game. This didn’t go as well as planned. My Xbox started making angry scraping noises as if it were in pain. I put this down to the orphan souls bungee use in the disks to make Master Chief jump higher.

When I finally started managed to stop my Xbox from trying to sacrifice itself I started playing the game. The game starts with your usual intro movie to set the scene, and from what understood, it basically tells you, you are not Master Chief….. Waste of my life. After the long intro you are rocketed out into the midst of things (literally). You are hurled violently towards a burning ship for no apparent reason. Wait. What’s this? A magical black hole has appeared and has sent you into a coma. Oh Noes……

The screen went black for a while and I was wondering if it had died from the stupidity. Then I realised that I was actually playing the game and that bungee had made it with every shade of grey from the metal spectrum. I carried on playing the game for a minute, and WHOOP, I got an achievement… For using a med-kit… It was about as hard, as convincing Paris Hilton that you are God reborn. My mind sort of melted after this as I was thrown so many achievements that I started trying not to get them.

When the achievement well was running dry I started to focus on the combat, and to be honest it was pretty good. Until I stubbed a toe and would have to run to safety or die and redo the whole level again because it didn‘t save *even angrier face*!!!! This is also another annoying feature for ODST; the running is like somebody has stapled two lumps of Master Chief to you feet. It’s slow and they still haven’t added sprinting. Also they have taken away the super jumps that would keep me entertained for hours upon hours and thus the orphans souls must be going into fuelling the stupidity of the game. After a painful hour of running away I gave up and tried the firefight….

Firefight…. The pinnacle of hate. I spent two minutes playing this before the American voice actors got to the back of my brain and buried themselves there for a future date. Luckily my Xbox live buddy (Oh god.) came on to help me. We were playing for one minute before it lagged so much that I felt I had died and been reincarnated as lag. It wasn’t the funny lag either, were you run upside down and end up playing half the match spontaneously combusting. It was the sort of lag you get on an old television when your Gran’s just farted.

Overall I felt that Halo ODST should have been called STD and sold on street corners in skimpy dresses. It is a good game turned bad, a normal first person shooter set in the future, an orphans soul stored on a disk. Yet something still makes me want to play it. It’s probably the fact I have OCD and I can’t keep anything untouched. However it could be the fact the Halo was a great game to start off with, and that it was a game to praise how great Master Chief is. Nah, it’s the OCD.


5 Responses to "Halo ODST: review"

Apart from the millions upon millions of Americans you would of upset if this ever went past a college magazine (You may still get death threats from the type of person who thinks playing Halo is an appropriate way to spend his/her weekend/life) I think this is spot on! What a pile of s**t as a game 😉

hur hur hur. STD.

LOL, im a halo fan but LOL THATS SO FUNNY lol std xD hahah orphan souls thats real funny ehehe

Wow, what an incredibly unbiased review…

Try to be less opinionated next time you review a piece of media.

I agree with Charles.

Also, I quote “Keep it clean”. The horrible hand cream/business men/STD jokes have no place in a review like this.

-1 due to lack of professionalism.

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